Skiba Rives (skibalovesya) wrote in uptown_girls,
Skiba Rives

Um, wow, I hope this is allowed, but I'm watching the movie, if only for Jesse Spencer, and because I couldn't believe what I was watching, I started writing an in-depth... recap? of it. It doesn't really respect the movie much (which is why I hope it's allowed), and...

WARNING WARNING WARNING: LOTS of Brittany Murphy hate ahead. I seriously hate her so much.

I haven't finished watching the movie (I'm starting to get a migraine, watching movies isn't good with a migraine) but what I've recapped so far is a little weird.

There are some discrepancies, but it's just my twisted views on this movie so far...

(Most of the flithy-slutwhore-namecalling is at her character... I think... please try to take this lightly.)

... So I'm watching "Uptown Girls" for the sake of the beautiful Jesse Spencer...

This movie should be called WTF?!. I'm serious.

Basically, the main character (that atrocious slutwhore Brittany Slutny, I mean, Murphy), Molly or something... lives in this apartment by herself because her poor mummy and daddy died or something. She thinks she's a princess or whatever, but her apartment... the floor hasn't seen the light of day in like a thousand years. Her "friends" seem to notice this. It's her 22nd birthday and the party's that day and... she's sleeping? At 10:00 PM? I don't understand this logic at all. She even has a fucking pet pig. Ugh.

So she gets up and tries to make herself look pretty and fails miserably. Fucking slutwhore. Anyway, she walks into the hall and there are flowers fucking everywhere. Some guy walks out of his apartment and says, "You can't turn the hallway into a greenhouse." Right on, old man. She gives him a pot of flowers (O.o;;;) and says, "SAY HELLO TO YOUR WIFE FOR ME!!!!!" (I'm serious, she screams this), and rushes off. He just stares at her and says, "I called the main floor," or something to report her friends' idiocy.

Downstairs, there are presents everywhere, but she picks up a thong and THROWS IT at this guy who must've delivered them (yet knows her) and says, "HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?!?!?!" and he, a largeish man, says, "Not one who can fit into this dental floss." I hate thongs too. Then slutwh- I mean, Molly, runs out into the middle of the street and says to give all her gifts... that her friends bought her... for her birthday... to charity. Um, considering there was a fucking THONG in there, I don't think that's such a good idea. She whistles and like two taxis almost collide due to bleeding from the ears of the drivers.

Anyway, she gets to this party where about fifty million of her "best friends" are, and she's talking on the phone about bleeding or death or murder or something shitty. We meet her friend... Chim or Chee or something Chinese but she's not even Asian, who's with this black guy (we find out his "name" later) who seems to have organized this whole thing. Partying ensues, girls grind with each other while the black dude shouts, "THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFUL AND I LOVE IT LIKE A FAT KID LIKES CAKE." ...Well, he didn't say ALL of that... okay, maybe he did, but who cares. Later, Molly speaks with these two girls ... that she doesn't even know... and one of them insults her by telling her to get Botox for that line on her forehead. I cheer.

Molly freaks out and runs to the bathroom to check out her (disgusting) face, and she imagines herself as some hideous hag (who's about fifty times prettier than she'll ever be), then exclaims, "No I'm not a hideous hag." Then, the greatest character EVER, played by Dakota Fanning, makes some snide (read: awesome) comment on her. Then her shoes, which she had once... when she was five. Molly is like, as Dakota comes out the stall, "Which was like, yesterday." Dakota is not amused and says, "More like three years (you filthy slutwhore ugly dirty bitch)." ...She was thinking it, I could tell. We then learn that Dakota is extremely OCD, and has brought her own soap, which makes Molly LOL. Dakota is a germophobe, but that's okay, because she's awesome.

That black dude bursts into the women's (read: WOMEN'S) bathroom and grabs Dakota. I hate this guy already, he's so ew. Dakota calls him "Gooey"... something about his name being Louie or whatever, Gooey suits him just as well. Gooey drags her out the bathroom and says, "She's my boss's daughter." Why the FUCK she's at this slut's party or why he has his boss's daughter with him is anyone's guess. I think he kidnapped her, personally. Dakota attempts to break free, but Gooey is, as his name implies, sticky and she's caught like a fly on flypaper. Gooey makes an offhand remark about how she can't keep a nanny. I... don't think that Gooey is her nanny. Ew. Wraaaaong.

Back at the party, Molly asks Chim-chim-cheree if she (meaning Molly) is hideous. Awesomely, Chimmy says nothing. I cheer again. Then, if only not to incur the wrath that might be Molly, she says something that isn't quite no. Simply avoids the question.

Then the moment of truth and beauty arrives. JESSE SPENCER IS ONSTAGE. And his name just got prettier. Neal Fox. MMMMMMMMMMMMM!!! He asks where the birthday girl is and Molly is all like, "OMFG IT'S ME I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT SEX ME RIGHT NOW." ...She thought half of that with her eyes. Yes. With her eyes. He smiles, a little creeped out, and starts singing and playing guitar as Gooey grabs Molly (he just grabs and pushes people, srsly) and pulls her away from her conversation and starefest and sits her down next to Dakota, who comments, "Oh... it's you again." And makes a face, yes. They talk throughout his ENTIRE PERFORMANCE (but since Dakota's so freakin' awesome, she's allowed to do this). Gooey calls all his friends "my man", which is so stereotypically black I almost barfed, and says that Neal is trying to get a record deal, is 'celibate', and is all about the music. Molly... is not listening. At all. I mean, he's not a good friend, I don't think, but it's your birthday, these people threw a party for you, you were late, and you didn't listen to anyone. Which is shown later on.

Dakota, meanwhile, is shouting for her mom. Loudly. ^_^b Her mom (who seems like a filthy slutwhore too) is talking to (or hitting on?) Gooey's black friend, who is totally all gangstah. Ugh. Some stuff happens.

After the whole shebang, Molly walks outside and meets who I think is a friend. Sure, he's not terribly attractive, but he's a FRIEND. F-R-I-E-N-D. She COMPLETELY IGNORES HIM while he's trying to get her attention, like, "I'd just like a ... moment... of your time..." and she bounces off to go see Neal. The poor dude is left in the frickin' dust. *huggles dude*

Neal couldn't care less about Molly, really, as he's talking to Gooey, then Dakota's mom, who's a record dealer or something that isn't slutwhore but still is. Dakota demands 8 hours sleep or her immune system will crash and does the best thing ever: snaps her fingers at her mom while saying, "Go, go, go, go." Damn I wish I had her power.

Meanwhile, Molly runs right up and goes, interrupting Neal's conversation, "OMFG HI, BIRTHDAY GIRL!" and puts her finger to her cheek, like, "KISS ME!!!!!!!" Neal giggles, uncomfortable, and says, "Oh, hi," and returns to his conversation. Or, tries to, as Molly friggin' ATTACKS HIM and grabs him into a hug of doom and spins him around. He giggles more uncomfortably. Seriously, he's like, "Ahahahaha... a huh... a... huh..."

She apparently drags him to her home, and while in the hallway, they talk a little. She's the daughter of some deceased musician and... stuff. She then takes his guitar and fucking spins it around in the air. Neal RUNS. She almost smashes it serveral times before shoving it back into Neal's hands and running into her apartment. Apparently her electricity has been shut off as she tries to turn on the light. She freaks out and says, "Can you hang on a minute?" and before the word "Sure" has barely escaped Neal's mouth, she slams the door in his face. She lights up a bunch of candles (doesn't even bother cleaning her apartment...)...

...And puts on the worst frickin' neglige-thing EVER. Neal stares at her more like "WTF?" than "Ho ho ho sexyyyy." She "welcomes" him by saying, "Welcome to le chateau Malee." (I thought her name was Marie for a second and she was being dumb.) But that's no frickin' castle.

Neal looks around, aghast. Then the pig runs by and he jumps about 10 feet in the air and goes, "WTF?!?!??!" Molly says, "Moo." Neal replies, "Don't you mean oink?" And she says, "No, muu means pork in Thai." Then she says some story about going to eat him for dinner one time or something but they 'fell in love'. She says it all sexy. Eww, zoophilia. Neal is sufficiently freaked out. But he can't leave. Aaaaanyway...

She then says something about fixing "bawn bawn-ay confisseray." That's not even French. WTF? Meanwhilst, Neal has stumbled upon Molly's guitar... shrine... thing. Seriously, WTF?!?!?! Neal is amazed. I would be too. Having that many guitars and not even playing them?! What is WRONG with this girl?!?!?!

Neal picks up a guitar and plays a little and sings his beautiful heart out. Molly forces him to stop and says, "DON'T SING THAT SONG!!!" It's her dad's song written for Molly or some shit like that. And he's like, "Why not?" And she says, "He wrote that song and then he and my mom died." Because they wrote that song? I don't even know. Or want to know. Neal just shrugs. Molly takes the guitar from his hands and puts it back while he makes a face. He tries to apologize because she was rather upset, but she just smiles and says, "OH WHATEVER :D :D :D" and goes and lounges "s e x i l y . . ." *pukes* on the couch and says, trying to be sexy, "How about dessert?" and, seriously, almost spreads her legs.

Neal tries not to die and asks, "Am I going to be able to pronounce it?" which is the world's best double entendre. :D

She then says, "I don't know. Can you say" and I think she says, "pants?!" I really don't know what she means by 'pants'. And then she takes the cover off the tray of goodies... which are... fucking Froot Loops, Pez, Gummy Bears, and Jelly Beans. Cheap, cheap, cheap.

Then they're... um... out the window (on a balcony? I can't even tell) and he's talking away about his ... I can't tell if it's celibacy or sobriety (which Molly's OBVIOUSLY NOT LISTENING TO, her ears don't work), while Molly continually demands Pez. Without saying please. UGHHhHH I HATE THAT SLUTWHORE!!!!!!!!111!!!11!ONE!

They end up... ew. Half ew, but ew. He's kissing Brittany Slutwhore Murphy. EWWWWWWWWW.

Cut to later that night. Neal's singing a song and, get this, Molly has her FOOT on his FACE. I honestly don't understand this woman at ALL. Why does she have her FOOT on his FACE?!??!?!?!?!? He's obviously annoyed and she's stretching her toes and rubbing his face with her foot. Ugh. I'm not even joking. Watch the movie.

She comments on how he's "hot" and his "earth tones" don't suit his "hotness". Um? Does that even make sense? And he's like, "What about the song? Too fast, too slow?" Rock on, JS. She insults his music a little... I think? I don't know. Something about hooks. He's very offended by this and turns away from her. YES. She... leans over and kisses... his hand, or the guitar. I can't tell. Ew. Stop soiling Jesse Spencer's hands. She bits the fabric on his elbow (WTF?!?!?!) and he goes back to singing. She... paints her already painted toenails. What is WRONG with HER?!?!?!?

The next morning, someone's watching Loony Toons (Wile E. Coyote, of course), while Molly is talking to Chimmychanga in... the bathtub. She talks about how suffocating (!?) Neal is and how he needs to make him leave without breaking his... heart. Um? I don't think he's in love with you, you slutwhore. She also insults his songs and he's not... moping. When was he ever moping? Where is she getting this shit from?

Neal calls her from the other room and asks for his boxers back. (He's hiding behind her bed, unfortunately...) She replies, "Baby, I'm not a love machine." ....Uhhhhhhhhhhh?!?! "My boxers? Please?" Neal begs a little, annoyed. He's stepped out from behind the bed but damn the camera angles!!! She... kicks the boxers from around her ankles (um, she didn't even pull them down or anything, why were they there?) and he puts them on.

He says he needs to go. She... doesn't want him to leave?!!!!!!!!!!!!/?!?!?!??!awfkhse;lvjkhs WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HER?!?!?!?!? He needs to go home. Back to the outside world. She's been keeping him there liked a caged animal. He has a life where he does his laundry and stuff. She jumps over the bed and tries to chase him down while he puts on his boxers. He needs to go make music and she asks, really, really, REALLY dumbly, "Why can't you make music here?" ...Is it not obvious? UGH.

He comments on how he's stepped into an alternate universe of digusting week-old leftovers and a month's worth of laundry (EW). He needs to leave. Now. She says she can call a maid. He says no, he needs to rejoin the human race (PWNAGE). She yells, "NO NO!!!" and chases him down and takes his boot. She "doesn't understand" why he needs to leave. ...Didn't he explain it to her? It's disgustingly filthy at her house. Ew. He NEEDS TO LEAVE. He feels like he's suffocating and he needs some air. She says she can open a window. I fell over.

Neal also needs his shirt back, which she's wearing. She takes it off, he completely (and rightfully) ignores her jugs, mentions how he hasn't gotten anything done in the five-gig-filled week, and he leaves.

I can't take any more synopsing, I'll finish this tomorrow or something.

She's such a filthy slutwhore OMFG.

(I really seriously apologize for this and anyone offended, I'll understand if you delete the post.)
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